Travesty of Naruto!
by kajamiku
Summary: What happens when two girls are sucked into the Naruto world? A whole lot of hilarity, that's what! Imagine a world with parties including all the main characters, as well as Orochimaru, Kabuto and Itachi... HUMOUR, OC, YAOI and HET pairings, General Amus
1. Chapter 1

**Travesty of Naruto – Chapter 01**

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NOTE: This chapter is currently in the process of being re-written. We apologise for this chapter not being of the same quality as the rest of the fic. Please be patient for the improved version's appearance.

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Announcer: _Please welcome your special guests! 'Feo and Kaja!_

Crowd: _goes wild Whoo wolf whistles_

'Feo: 'sank you vary much! bows

Kaja: giggles I love having an audience

Announcer: _And now, your fabulous prize! A one-way trip to Konoha!_

Audience: WTF?

Kaja: blinks eh?

'Feo: Lovely!

_Big white flashy light…_ (Audience: Oooooh!) _Kaja and 'Feo are transported._

Announcer: _Little do they know…_

_--_

_One bright day in Konoha…_

"Ow! My arse!" Exclaims 'Feo. Kaja grins and takes a look around, frowning at the sun and hissing at the 'light-ness' of her surroundings. 'Feo waves her arms around wildly. "What're we going to do!"

"Akamaru!" A loud call echoes around the corner, as a small white dog launches itself at Kaja's head. Kaja promptly falls over in surprise, legs sticking up into the air; she gains an anime sweatdrop.

"Wow… I really _am_ in an anime!" Kaja grumbles, sitting up and tearing the white fluff ball from her head. "Aw! Cute!" She hugs it, grinning. A boy with a furry hood comes running around the corner, stopping short when he realises that there are two strangely dressed girls in the middle of the road, one of whom was clutching his dog.

"Oi! What're you doing to Akamaru?" He stops when he realises his partner is licking the girl's face. 'Feo pulls a face.

"But… he's white!" She exclaims, craning around to take a closer look at the puppy. The boy stands off to one side, scratching the back of his head, unsure what to do or say as he examines the two odd girls.

"Kiba! Kiba! Where the hell did you go, dog-boy?" A boy wearing outrageous orange attire came running up, half-dragging a rather stoic boy with dark hair. 'Feo is practically drooling at the sight.

"Dobe…" The dark haired one mutters as they came to a halt. The one the girls assume to be called Kiba only grins.

"Shut up teme!" The blonde one, in his rather scary orange, retorts. 'Feo leans closer to Kaja and whispers, none too quietly:

"There's something going on there…"

"No there is NOT!" The blonde one yells, echoed by the other boy, making both girls exchange knowing looks. He peered closer to the two girls, barely inches from their faces as he looked them over. "What're you wearing?" He is promptly smacked from two sides.

"As if _you_ can talk." 'Feo responded, folding her arms. The dark haired one smirked at that; 'Feo almost died. A sudden 'poof' announced someone else's arrival.

"You're late!" The blond one yells. A man with copious amounts of untamed grey hair raised his hand in greeting, his visible eye crinkling with good humour.

"Ohayo, sorry I'm late! Hokage-sama just declared her undying love for me, so I had to find a way to let her down gently." Looks of disbelief spread across the watching boys.

"Yeah right!" The blonde scoffs, pointing at the taller man accusingly. "Kakashi-sensei, your excuses are lame." The grey haired man only chuckles, glancing over at the two girls; Kaja almost dies.

"So… are you attached?" Kaja asks, moving obtrusively close to Kakashi. 'Feo drags her away with some difficulty, muttering curses under her breath.

"No I'm not…" Kakashi points at the girls and looks at the watching boys. "Who are they?" The blonde shrugs cluelessly.

"Who are _we_? Who are _you_?" 'Feo asks, narrowing her eyes at them.

"I'm Uzumaki Naruto! I'm going to be the one to be the next Hokage! Oh, that's the best ninja in the village of Konoha." He added, beaming at them.

"Oh."

"I'm Kiba." The furry-hooded one grins. "And that's Akamaru." He gestures at the puppy still wagging its tail in Kaja's arms.

"Uchiha Sasuke." The dark haired one says smoothly. 'Feo fans herself and Kaja rolls her eyes, only to be distracted by Kakashi again.

"Eh… another one to add to the Sasuke fan club…" Naruto pouts. "But… you do know he's gay, right?" 'Feo sighs in disappointment.

"But… you're not… are you?" Kaja asks Kakashi, only to receive a smack around the back of the head from 'Feo… again.

"We'd better take them back to Konoha, right Akamaru?" The little dog yaps happily, leaping from his refuge in Kaja's arms and crawls up his top, to poke his head out of the collar. Kaja and 'Feo stand up, but Kaja takes a sly glance at Kakashi and feigns pain, falling to the ground clutching her ankle. Naruto looks concerned, wandering over and blocking the hopeful look Kaja was sending in Kakashi's direction.

"Are you okay? I can carry you if you want?" He suggests helpfully. Kaja immediately scrambles to her feet, ignoring the look 'Feo sent.

"No, no!" Kaja holds up her hands. "That's alright, I'm sure I can walk on my own!" She protests. 'Feo, while watching the proceedings, 'slyly' moves to stand closer to Sasuke. Naruto grins and shrugs, turning to lead the way back to the village. Kaja watches him go, and then glances back to the side, almost leaping from her skin when Kakashi was standing incredibly close, his eye crinkling.

"Can't be too careful though, ne?" He says, picking Kaja up bridal style, much to her obvious enjoyment, and 'Feo's exasperation.

--

_Back in Konoha_

After introductions to the Hokage, Tsunade-sama, other genins had joined the group; they were showing the two girls around the village.

Kaja nudges 'Feo. "We struck lucky! A party on our first day here! Plus all the _yummy_ boys we can eat!" She grins and does a dance, wriggling her eyebrows suggestively. 'Feo nods in agreement.

"Neji! Where's your stalker girl?" Naruto yells, across the enormous distance of a few metres. The boy's purple-white eyes turned slightly.

"What? Tenten? She got knocked out by Tsunade-sama's breasts." He replied in a smooth monotone.

Kaja then pulled a sceptical face, approaching the green-clad Jounin walking in front of her. She raised a hand and gave him a poke in the back of the head, raising an eyebrow as he span around blinking. "Are you real?" She asked. He grinned, giving her the thumbs up as his teeth made a blinding 'ping'. His smaller clone span around, mimicking the pose.

"Ah! Gai-sensei!" He said enthusiastically. "You're so cool!" 'Feo blinks and prods Shikamaru, leaning over to speak with him.

"Is he being sarcastic?" She asked, frowning.

"…No." He says with an elaborated sigh, looking at the clouds absently. Kaja gave Gai another poke and then glanced at Lee, shaking her head and giving up as she wandered back to 'Feo. She nicks a crisp from the almost empty packet her friend is holding, almost choking when Choji appeared from nowhere.

"NO ONE EATS THE LAST POTATO CHIP!" He bellows, eyes burning as he snatches the last crisp and immediately simmers down, making Shikamaru sigh again. Kaja and 'Feo glance at each other, then 'Feo holds up another crisp.

"But… this is the last one." 'Feo says looking slightly traumatised as Choji reaches forward and seizes that one too.

"STOP!" Naruto yells suddenly, forcing everyone into action; kunai and shurikans drawn and at the ready.

"What is it?" Gai asks. "Ah, Kakashi! Another chance for me to show my superiority!" He declares. Kakashi scratches the back of his head.

"Did you say something?" He asks, glancing over his book at Gai. Gai raises a fist and gains starry eyes; '_ah Kakashi! Your wit is unrivalled! That is why you are a worthy opponent!_'

"What is it Naruto?" Sasuke asks quietly, scanning the rooftops and alleys for possible enemies.

"…RAMEN!" Naruto states, pointing at the food stand. Everyone falls over. He spins around and faces 'Feo. "You owe me!" 'Feo covers her face with one hand.

"I knew I shouldn't have made that bet…"

_FLASHBACK:_

"_He never says anything…" 'Feo grumbles, walking beside Naruto and watching Sasuke's back… well, ass… but that's not the point. "I doubt anyone could make him say more than two words to them…" She said, shaking her head._

"_Ah! I could!" Naruto argues, grinning widely._

"_Oh really?" 'Feo considers this. "Okay, whoever manages to make him say more than two words to them wins."_

"_If I win, you can buy me ramen!" Naruto says, all too eagerly._

"_Fine, fine. But if I win… you have to set me up with one of your mates. Deal?"_

"_Deal."_

END FLASHBACK 

"What happened with the bet?" Lee asked with wide-eyes.

'Feo sighed. "We drew. He said some rather unsightly things to the two of us… but his arse is very firm." She commented, smiling contentedly.

--

_Skip to Party… oh, it's night now_

The girls came fashionably late of course, after shopping for new clothes for the two new arrivals. Kaja was having a rather heated argument with Sakura (involving some words and phrases it would not be appropriate to repeat to younger readers), while 'Feo was chatting away happily to Ino and Hinata.

"…just ask him!" 'Feo was telling Hinata, while the shorter girl was blushing and staring at her own feet.

"I wouldn't have gotten anywhere if I were so timid!" Ino added, hands on hips, giving a sly glance at Choji. By the time the group of girls reached the field where the party was being held, Sakura and Kaja had their backs to one another and were pointedly ignoring each other. Kaja was soon lured away by the sight of a familiar grey-haired Jounin. Lee came bounding over at full throttle, eyes pinned on Sakura.

"Sakura-san!" He said, coming to a halt beside her. 'Feo threw her hands up.

"Is _everyone_ either paired off or gay?" She exclaimed in exasperation, starting when Naruto seemed to appear from nowhere.

"No! I still need to keep up my end of the bargain." He said, slyly dragging 'Feo into the crowd of people and shoving her into Neji… literally.

"I should make bets with Naruto more often…" 'Feo murmured, blinking up into Neji's strange eyes.

_Meanwhile… some more guests were arriving..._

Shikamaru, noticing the appearance of the blonde sand-nin, slowly climbed to his feet and meandered over to her. "Temari-kun." He greeted, smiling lazily, hands in his pockets. Temari grinned at him.

Iruka, who had met the three sand-nin at the gates, moved over to the group of Jounin, who were standing in the corner 'chaperoning'.

"Okay," Kakashi declared loudly, gaining everyone's attention, "glad you're all here. Now, I only have one rule for this party…" There is a still hush, everyone listening attentively to whatever the famous copy-nin might say. "No making out." He stares around at the surrounding people. "Unless I am involved."

_A little later… and when I say a little; I mean a lot_

"I've heard of fashionably late… but this is taking it a little too far." Kaja stated, sighing as everyone went silent to watch the three newcomers approach the party. 'Feo suddenly points wildly at the one on the left.

"I-it's… an older, slightly less sexy Sasuke look-alike!" She called out, still being clutched by a slightly putout looking Neji (it's just hard to tell). Sasuke and Itachi (the look-alike) glared at each other for a few moments, and then simultaneously, looked away. Itachi headed for the buffet table.

"…I'm here to get pissed." He muttered.

The other two advanced towards Sasuke, Naruto, 'Feo and Kaja… who thanks to the miracle of anime, were now standing together.

"Sasuke-kun." The pale snake-eyed one said. The one behind him adjusted his glasses, smiling smugly.

"Orochimaru!" Naruto glared, red chakra flaring around him as he stepped in front of Sasuke protectively. Orochimaru smirked.

"Don't take him, take me!" Everyone looked at Kaja, who was eyeing Orochimaru with interest. 'Feo slapped a hand to her face in vexation. Sasuke and Naruto looked disbelieving. Kabuto, the jealous henchman, stalked over to Kaja and glared at her.

"What makes you think you're worthy of Orochimaru-sama?" Whatever else Kabuto was about to say, was abruptly cut off, as Kaja backhanded him across the face, knocking his glasses to the ground, without even looking. A sharp intake of breath was heard around the group.

'Feo mutters to herself. "I really can't take her anywhere…"

Kabuto looked about ready to dissect Kaja, raising a threatening hand, but was startled into pausing when Orochimaru let out an amused laugh. Orochimaru turned to look at Sasuke. "I have no further interest in you, Sasuke-kun." He said, soon returning his gaze to Kaja. Naruto and Sasuke shared a high five. Orochimaru held out a hand for Kaja and she went to him, not forgetting to stick out her tongue at Kabuto as she passed.

'Feo mutters to herself again. "The plot thickens…"

To no one bar 'Feo and Kaja's surprise, as soon as Kaja reached him, he leant forward and bit her on the neck.

'Feo mutters to herself… again again. "She deserved that one…" She stalks off to find Neji, bored with Kaja's drama and hoping to make a little of her own.

Kaja faints, caught by one of Orochimaru's arms, and the ones who know about the curse seals, brace themselves for screams of pain. To everyone's surprise, Kaja opens her eyes and makes a small sound of delight. "Oooh… he's good!"

Kakashi, somewhere in the crowd, sighs deeply. "I guess I'm gonna have to try harder then."

_Somewhere in the distance…_

"You have no eyebrows…" 'Feo complained to a grumpy looking redhead. "But I approve of the eyeliner, very 'with it'"

The redhead ignored 'Feo and spoke to Neji instead, "I dislike this person. I may have to kill her…" 'Feo shuddered slightly and hid behind Neji.

"Gaara, if you were to do such a thing, I would have to invoke pain upon you." Neji stated blandly, causing 'Feo to go all starry eyed.

"How bothersome." Shikamaru was heard saying somewhere behind them.

_A little later…_

'Feo screams and Kaja runs to her 'rescue' (basically to laugh at whatever frightened her). "It's a giant frog!" She cries, pointing at the huge red frog, with an opium pipe hanging from his mouth.

"…You're right." Kaja says, nodding solemnly. The frog suddenly made a 'poof' and disappeared into a cloud of white smoke, leaving behind a strangely dressed old man with long white hair. He strikes a pose and begins to hop comically on one leg. Kaja starts laughing, gaining the man's attention; he flushes and makes a rather perverted leer as he jogs over to Kaja and 'Feo.

"Ehhhh! Kawaii!" The white haired man begins to introduce himself. "I am one of the three legendary sennin! I am the renowned frog hermit." He begins to hop on one leg again, and Kaja appears behind him, stretching out a leg and sending him crashing to the ground. His eyes are whirling as he makes small winces of discomfort. Kaja cackles. "…Jiraiya-sama!" He manages to finish.

"Ero-sennin!" Naruto calls, running over and standing beside him, jumping up and down. "You promised to teach me a new jutsu!" Jiraiya makes a miraculous recovery and stands up, grinning down at his student.

"Later! Later!" He says, returning his attention to Kaja and 'Feo. "First, introduce me to these two lovely ladies…" He trails off when he realises they are no longer there. He begins to look around frantically. "Ehhhh!"

'Feo and Kaja are dodging between groups of people; glancing back with panic-stricken expressions to make sure the perverted sennin was not following. "Split up!" 'Feo suggests, disappearing in one direction as Kaja goes in the other.

Meanwhile, at the buffet table… Itachi is rather drunk. 'Feo pauses when she spots him, pondering thoughtfully. "Hmmm… I wonder if I should take advantage of him while he's drunk…?" Sasuke appears behind her, arms folded.

"You do know he's a mass murderer, right?" He points out.

"Oh! We can work around it!" 'Feo says dismissively, waving her hand at him. Sasuke and Naruto (who has suddenly appeared) begin to drag 'Feo away. "Noooooo!" She cries, trying to get away and reaching towards Itachi.

"One's a mass murderer and one's gay… what a family…"

--

_Some time later… I know, I know; deal with it_

"Kaja… this is Gaara." 'Feo introduces, noticing that Kaja is already hanging from the redhead's neck, and wonders about her current life insurance. Oddly enough, Gaara doesn't seem to mind. 'Feo is sitting on Neji's lap, shaking her head at the none too rare spectacle of Kaja's very open flirtation.

"So…" 'Feo asks, pointedly ignoring Gaara and Kaja's 'situation', "when does this party liven up?" Neji looks at the sky and replies, "Now," just as a loud 'BANG' is heard, scaring everyone apart from him.

"Quick! Hide!" Gai shouted, clutching his face in horror, "I think our party has been rumbled!" Itachi pipes up, clutching a bottle of Sake possessively, "lets' gatecrash my old house!"

_At Sasuke's House_

"SPIN THE BOTTLE!" is heard from the wild throng of people squashed into the living room. Everybody rushes to sit in a circle; Kaja grabs the now empty Sake bottle from a crying Itachi.

"My turn first!" says Kiba, slyly eyeing Hinata. Though his face vaults as the bottle is seized by Kabuto, who was leaning a bit too close to Orochimaru for it to be considered 'friendly'.

Sasuke frowns and puts his hand up, "I want to add my own rule to Kakashi-sensei's." he eyes the group as if daring anyone to disagree, "no sibling or relative 'interaction.'" A small muttering of agreement is heard from everyone bar Itachi who in turn shifts a bit closer to Sasuke.

Kabuto spins the bottle, a little too eagerly, frowning when it stops on…

Iruka…

Iruka blushes, "erm…." Kabuto however leans over and pounces on him, causing Iruka to give a high girlish screech. Everyone else gains an anime sweat drop, bar Kaja who topples over laughing.

"This game is too bothersome," Shikamaru says getting up and leaving, Temari slyly following a few moments later. "I wonder where they are going?" Naruto asks innocently.

A few spins later, after Gaara had kissed Itachi, Sasuke and Choji were selected. Both Naruto and Ino looked rather murderous. Kaja however, was still laughing from the Kabuto moment and failed to notice… well pretty much everything.

'Feo taps Kaja on the shoulder and points at the bottle, "It's your turn," Kaja stops immediately and grins wickedly around the group, causing a few people to shift awkwardly.

Soon, the inevitable happened; Sasuke and Naruto were chosen, leaning in very readily and remaining locked together for much longer than necessary. Sakura raised an eyebrow. "Look what Naruto is doing to poor Sasuke-kun!" She says, gaining a laugh from some people; mostly due to her ignorance of the real situation.

On Naruto's turn, he practically passed out from shock and disbelief when the bottle landed on Orochimaru, whose tongue curled around just outside his mouth in a snake-like gesture that made Naruto leap behind Sasuke. Kaja giggles; "That must be so useful!" She comments gleefully. Everyone except Kabuto winces at the thought.

Next came 'Feo's turn, who looked about ready to cry when the bottle stopped on Shino. "Heh, heh… bug boy…" Naruto comments, making 'Feo pale even more. "B-bugs?" She repeats, making a sound of distress when the people around her, grabbed her by the arms and dragged her towards him. He watched her impassively, not seeming in the slightest insulted by her blatant look of horror. "Bugs!" 'Feo exclaims, spitting some out. "Why _bugs_?"

_At some point in the morning… everyone's too drunk to read the clock_

"So… Where are we going to sleep?" 'Feo asks, glancing at Kaja, who shrugs but doesn't protest in the slightest when she's 'poofed away' by Kakashi.

'Feo, torn from her comrade, slinks over to Naruto and Sasuke. "Can I stay with you? _Please_?" Naruto glances at Sasuke, who narrows his eyes. "No." 'Feo puts on puppy dog eyes. "_Please_?" … "Uh no."

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Travesty of Naruto - Chapter 02**

**

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**_The next morning..._

'Feo still wasn't speaking to Sasuke and Naruto, much to Naruto's obvious unhappiness. "It's not like we left you on your own…" Naruto said, pouting. "Didn't I see you leave with Neji?" Sasuke interrupts. 'Feo sends him a tragic look then smiles all starry eyed. "He was my hero!" Naruto pouts. "Can you forgive us then? I'll treat you to some ramen." He says, eyes all puppy-like. 'Feo hugs them to the point of crushing. "Okay! Now let's go find Kaja!"

--

_At Kakashi's_

"Come back later!" 'Feo exchanges looks with the group around her. "Why?" she calls, tapping on the door again.

A rather tired looking Kakashi opens the door, receiving dirty looks from his ex-students. Sakura taps her foot on the ground, looking at his blood-shot eye. "Well, what's your excuse Kakashi-sensei?" Kakashi rubs the back of his head and replied cheerfully. "She thrashed me at poker about a hundred times and now I don't have any clothes left to bet with…"

--

Kakashi, now borrowing some of Gai's clothes, and not looking very happy about it, was leading the mob of Chuunins to the training ground.

Kakashi and Gai stood together, and Kakashi spoke above the noise. "Hokage-sama has informed me that you twelve will be teaching Kaja and 'Feo in the ways of the Shinobi. Please split up into teams of six, one will teach one, one the other. I will chose which team teaches who." He said, eye sparkling.

The teams split thus, Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Hinata, Neji and Lee in one team and Gaara, Choji, Ino, Shino, Kiba and Shikamaru in the other.

"Okay Naruto's team you get Gai as your Jounin and your student is 'Feo," Kakashi's gaze caught Kaja as he continued, "and Shikamaru your team will have me as your Sensei and will be teaching Kaja. You may begin."

After ten minutes of gruelling training Kaja was now sat at the side by 'Feo. "That's the most exercise I've had in years!"

'Feo nodded in full agreement. "I think it may kill me…" She looked over to her team. "Naruto and Sasuke keep 'training', if you ask me it just seems to be an excuse for them to touch each other up…"

Kaja spies Gaara with his back to her and gets a mischievous look as she prowls over to him. At the last second she jumps towards him, only to find herself thrown backwards by a giant wall of sand… though she didn't look discontented by who caught her.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Kaja grinned, but glanced back at Gaara with a frown. "Um… is it unusual for walls of sand to suddenly jump up from nowhere?" Kakashi's good eye smiled.

"Not really." Gaara seemed to have noticed what had happened, but seemed more concerned with the fact that Kakashi had yet to put Kaja down. He promptly did so, once he realised this.

Over at the other side of the training area, 'Feo was practicing with multiple kunai, spurred on by Gai's enthusiasm to wield more than one at a time. Picking up a collection and sending the watching Shinobi a nervous glance, 'Feo threw the kunai, missing the targets by some metres and hearing them all thud randomly into trees and bushes. A sudden yelp caught everyone's attention…

…leading them to find Jiraiya pinned to the tree by the kunai in a position that could rival most pretzels. "Ero-sennin! You pervert! Were you watching them _again_?" Naruto exclaimed, gesticulating wildly and accidentally knocking Ino to the ground.

"Wow! That was brilliant 'Feo! Even though you're not of our village, and not of our ways, you _still _managed to sense his presence and launch an impressive attack! You will make an excellent Shinobi!" Everyone made sounds and gestures of agreement, wandering back to the training ground leaving Jiraiya pinned to the tree without a second thought.

Kaja waited with 'Feo for a moment, turning and fixing her with a knowing look. "…That was an accident wasn't it."

"Yes, yes it was."

--

_…Yes, you know what I'm going to say… Some time later…_

In the afternoon, everyone invaded Gai's house; making the excuse that it was one of the biggest and emptiest houses any of them owned.

"Shhhhhh… Do you guys here that?" Ino whispered, startling the exploring nins into pausing. "Hear what?" Sakura blinked, tilting her head as everyone went silent to listen. In the midst of exploring Gai's house while he was out, they had entered a large bedroom wondering about the contents of Gai's room and the giant eyebrow tweezers he was rumoured to possess, but obviously rarely used.

"Yeah, I hear it too… voices…" Kiba moved further into the room, followed by the large throng of people.

"Ahhh, that's so nice…. It's so soft and squishy. Let me suck on it, please!" There was a slight wide-eyed pause before the voice added, "it tastes so good, I want more!" Kaja looked as if she were trying to suppress a smile as a new voice cut in above the first, "you are so loud, do you think everyone is deaf?"

"Isn't… isn't that Gaara's voice?"

"Ahhh….oooohhhh… mmmmm… This is so wrong, so dirty, so deceitful; if Sasuke knew I was doing this he would be so mad… Though I wish I'd done it sooner…"

While Kaja snickered 'Feo looked at everyone else horrified, seeing the mixed looks of knowing and realisation on their faces. Everyone slowly turned to look at Sasuke, who now stood with his back to them…

"Here it comes…" Neji said in a low voice.

Very slowly, Sasuke lifted his head and turned stiffly to face the group, his expression half hidden by his hair…

There was an exchange of nervous glances as everyone prepared for the mass destruction that was to come. His shoulders moved in what looked to be a state of hysteric chuckling.

Sasuke's head snapped up, revealing his face for everyone to see… there was a sharp intake of breath.

"Naruto…" A pause. "How could you do this to me!" A resounding wail filled the room before Sasuke dashed half-blindly from it, his hands attempting to cover his tear-streaked features.

As Sasuke ran through the streets, he soon heard a familiar voice following him. "Sasuk-ee? What's wrong with you, dearest brother?" Itachi tore after Sasuke, arms flailing as he kept pace with him. "Are you mad at me?" He cried. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! I just tripped while holding a kunai… multiple times… I'm sorry!"

A moment of silence hung in the room as Sasuke's howling faded away, and then Sakura turned towards the cupboard.

"How dare you…! How absolutely dare you…!" Sakura growled, eyes burning as she stomped across the room, watched by the group, as she punched the cupboard door in.

Kaja gave a high-pitched whistle. "Wow, talk about being a drama queen…" 'Feo sent her a clear 'as-if-you-can-talk' look.

As the copious amounts of dust cleared, everyone peered pervertedly into the broken closet. Inside, they found Naruto clutching rather desperately to Gaara's shirt, eyes wide, as he leant into the sand-nin, his hands clinging to the large packet Gaara was holding.

Everyone watched the marshmallow fall from his bottom lip to the floor.

Shino cleared his throat and voiced the thoughts of everyone. "Shit."

--

Sasuke curled his arm around the now rather spent Naruto, murmuring words of endearment as he pressed his forehead against his lover's.

"Oi, have you seen 'Feo, the bitch is missing…. I thought I heard her say something about seeing the greatest beauty in existence. I think she has been spending too much time with that white eyed weirdo of hers…" Kaja said, completely unconcerned that there were two naked ninjas currently trying desperately to cover up in front of her. "Oh, don't stop on my behalf. Make-up sex is an important part of a healthy relationship."

"I agree whole heartedly! And don't call Neji a weirdo!" Said a mysterious yet familiar voice from within the bushes…

"Ha! I knew I would find you here! You are so predictable, you pervert." Kaja said, talking to the bush in question.

'Feo emerged looking rather sheepish, sending non-too sly glances at the two half naked teens that she had been ogling.

"H-how long were you watching us for?" Naruto stammered, nervously cuddling up closer to Sasuke.

"Only long enough to hear his _adorable_ pet name…" 'Feo replied grinning inanely.

Sasuke eyed her wearily, "How about, if I don't kill you that name will never be mentioned again." 'Feo nodded in agreement, trying to keep the smile from her lips.

'Feo begins to walk away while Kaja remains rooted to the spot deep in contemplation… "Really, if you think about this wisely, if you killed her she wouldn't be able to mention it anyway…"

"TRAITOR!" 'Feo yells as Sasuke begins to chase after her.

Naruto turns to Kaja and grins, "I wonder when Sasuke will realise he's still naked."

--

_Guess what's coming… That's right! It's night time; this time at Ino's house_

Tenten was beginning to have serious doubts about the suggestion of this evening's choice of entertainment… namely karaoke. She was currently listening to Tsunade-sama singing "Po-wer of Lov-veeeee!" Badly, she might add.

Naruto was pushing Shikamaru as best he could towards the mic, while Jiraiya was dragging the swearing and overly drunk Hokage from the stage.

The evening progressed as follows; Shikamaru being forced to sing, 'I'm wicked and I'm lazy', followed by Choji bellowing out 'Perfect 10' which gained some lewd remarks from Ino, who decided to follow up with 'You're the one that I want.'

Lee enthusiastically forced his team into participating; well all except Tenten who feigned an illness so she could sit back and watch for the first time Neji make a fool of himself… Gai, in his usual exuberant manner decided to spur his team on by going first. "Do not worry if you are not as good as me, you are still in the springtime of your youth and therefore all efforts you will make will be worth it. But remember this important thing; if nothing else… we must beat Kakashi's team!"

Kaja mutters from the crowd, "When did this become a competition?" Only to receive the nice guy pose from Gai, and swiftly mimicked a few seconds after by his younger clone.

Gai began his rendition of what the crowd, after a brief discussion, decided to be the song, 'I'm too sexy for my shirt', and began a chant of "No you're not! Put it back on! Put it back on!" which unfortunately went ignored. Neji, after receiving a bit of 'persuasion' from 'Feo began a none too shabby version of 'Eye of the Tiger', Lee ended their team's turn with a sweetly sung 'This one goes out to the one I love,' which when finished caused Sakura to practically choke him to death with the power of her hug…. A positive result there then.

Kiba took the mic with a large grin plastered on his face, and Akamaru planted on his head, Akamaru gave a small yap of delight as Kiba barked out 'Who let the dogs out' a few people, Kaja and 'Feo included fled the room in horror. Hinata stood in front of everyone for a few seconds, before she ran and Shino took centre stage, 'Smile like you mean it' went down a storm.

Jiraiya, after disposing of Tsunade, hopped up onto the stage and began to do a strange dance while not only deafening but also scaring most of the population of Konoha with 'Blow my whistle baby'. Orochimaru, not to be outdone by the other two sennin took to the stage, running his tongue around the mic before eyeing Kaja and Sasuke and began 'I put a spell on you'; Sasuke paled, and Kaja fainted in delight. Kabuto forced his way to the platform in order to reinstate his obsession by singing 'Can't take my eyes off of you'. Itachi's drunken version of 'Smooth Criminal', was beautifully enhanced by the incredible dance that accompanied it, and Ebisu managed to muscle in on the action with 'I linger in the doorway', very fitting for the closet pervert.

Kimimaru made a surprise appearance and had his five minutes of fame with 'Bring me to life'.

The sand squad, Temari, Kankuro and Gaara, gave "interesting" performances with 'I'll make a man out of you', 'Like a puppet on a string', and 'The Monster Mash' respectively.

Kakashi was next, his good eye crinkling as he pulled out a fan and sang 'Masquerade' in a surprisingly good voice. Naruto shoved Kakashi and Kaja, who was now clinging to his arm, off the stage and while looking at Sasuke belted out 'When you're gone' which he ended by punching Sasuke in the face and screaming "You bastard, you left me!" Supporting a now rather black bruised eye Sasuke took to the stage to give his all in 'At first I was afraid' in a voice which caused Kaja to throw things at him in jealously. Sakura, who was now glaring daggers at Kaja took front stage with 'Every move you make'… Sasuke promptly left the building.

As the night wore on, everyone became increasingly drunk and havoc causing, though everyone was surprised when Lee began to act… a little stranger than usual.

"Argh! Someone stop him!" Kiba shrieked, dodging haphazardly around the room as he was chased by a not-so-sober-looking taijutsu expert. He had been previously sitting on a stool beside Kaja and 'Feo, so this was naturally where Gai began his investigation… while everyone else attempted to tackle the rampaging boy to the ground, in order to stop him from bringing down the entire building.

Gai did a double take at the amount of bottles littering the table, staring at 'Feo and Kaja with a twitching bushy eyebrow. "Ooh no! You got him drunk?" He exclaimed, eyeing the empty glasses. 'Feo tilted her head. "Yeah, he was the only one sober; it seemed a shame." She seemed completely unaware of Konoha's green beast tearing up furniture and randomly knocking people unconscious, swaying unsteadily on his feet. Kimimaru fled the room screeching; "Not again!"

'Feo and Kaja turned around, surveying the scene with interest as Lee grabbed Shikamaru around the waist and began to use him as a human battering ram. Kaja made a dismissive gesture with one hand, as she picked up another bottle. "Eh, it makes the party more interesting anyway."

Gai had a bit of a panic attack before he dashed across the room to help everyone attempt to prise Lee from the beer tap.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**Travesty of Naruto – Chapter 03**

* * *

_Early Morning, Outside Naruto's Apartment… like, scary early…_

"Oi, 'Feo!" Kaja placed her hands on her hips, staring up at the girl who was peering through an open window. "Stop perving on those boys, I'm sure they're getting tired of it by now." Neji, who was perched beside 'Feo seemed slightly more embarrassed at being caught, and wouldn't look at Kaja and Orochimaru, who were standing below.

"Eh? I didn't even notice you were here…" Naruto poked his head out, frowning in confusion. "Oi Sasuke bastard, did you know they were here?"

Orochimaru's eye twitched slightly, and Kaja found herself standing alone suddenly, surrounded by a small cloud of dispersing dust. She sighed, folding her arms when she saw the snake sannin's ass hanging out of the open window, a hand pressed roughly against his face to stop him from entering the bedroom.

'Feo gave a snort of annoyance at her view being blocked. "What is it with your fixation with young boys? Damn you, you fat arsed gay pervert!"

Orochimaru spared 'Feo a glance, looking slightly indignant. "I'm not gay. I just find myself attracted to young boys… and Kaja."

Once the general perving session had come to a natural conclusion (Orochimaru being beaten from all sides), Kaja announced the Hokage's request to converse with them.

--

In the Hokage's office, Tsunade laced her fingers allowing her gaze to sweep over the assembled ninjas. "Your mission is a reasonably simple escorting task. You will be travelling to the Hidden Sand Village to retrieve your client, and bring him here. I decided this would be a good start out mission for 'Feo and Kaja, but since they are inexperienced, I thought that extra team members would probably be a wise decision. Oh, and any problems I'll be blaming on Naruto."

"Ehhhh!" Naruto jumped forward, quickly restrained by Sasuke and Lee as he fought to get to the Hokage's desk. Tsunade smirked lightly. A sudden distracting 'poof' sound announced Kakashi's trademark late arrival. Kaja immediately latched onto him, and 'Feo made a small sound of irritation.

"I really wish you'd stop 'poofing' everywhere…" She grumbled, carefully dislodging herself from Neji's arms, where she had leapt to in her surprise.

"Yo, sorry I'm late; I had a momentary bout of amnesia and believed myself to be the princess of snow country. It took me a while to find my bearings." No one bothered to comment.

Tsunade loudly cleared her throat. "I expect a perfect execution of this mission. Especially from such a large _capable_ team." She sent a stern look around the nins and then made a gesture of dismissal with one hand.

"Ninjas of the night, deny these evil beasts their tomorrows."

"…We have to stop her from drinking sake in the afternoon."

--

_Now in the Hidden Sand Village… no hitches so far_

"I've got sand in places I'd rather sand not be!" Naruto complained loudly, but no one paid him any heed since he had been grumbling in a similar fashion for the last few hours. Everyone was about ready to inflict grievous amounts of bodily harm to the blonde ninja, when a small body collided with him, knocking him flat and basically doing the job for them.

Lee offered Naruto a hand up, but Naruto was already on his feet screaming insults and shaking his fist at the small boy, who was standing in front of him looking defiant.

"Karo-sama, when you bump into someone you should apologise," said a small, and when I say small I mean tiny, woman who approached the group.

The boy narrowed his eyes at Naruto. "Why should I apologise to them? They are obviously idiot gennin with no talent… I mean look at the way they are dressed… eww!"

Everyone launched themselves at once, trying to dismember the little shit, but Kaja got there first. However, before she reached his neck 'Feo jumped in front of him forcing Kaja to come to a halt.

"Kaja, leave him alone, he's what, all of seven? You'd just be a child abuser." Kaja grumbled a bit but conceded. The others all looked a little crest fallen.

Then 'Feo made a small squeak of surprise as two arms wrapped around her waist, "erm… you're welcome."

Karo, his arms still wrapped around 'Feo while completely ignoring the looks of the other Konoha nins muttered, just loud enough for them all to hear, "you're my woman now! I'm going to marry you!"

--

"WHAT! He's the one we have to escort back to Konoha! But the kid's a brat!" Naruto ranted, pacing back and forth seemingly unable to stay still.

"Usuratonkachi, sit down, you're giving me a headache… so who is this kid?" Sasuke said, getting straight to the point.

"Master Karo is the Kazekage's nephew." Lee gave a startled yelp, "Temari and Shikamaru have a child together?"

"No you fuzzy eye browed whelp, it's master Kankuro's love child!"

Everyone began to exchange equally traumatized looks, trying to not to imagine how the child had come to be. At that moment Karo re-entered the room, half-dragging a bemused-looking 'Feo along with him.

"Are you bad-mouthing my dad?" He demanded, glaring around the circle of nins. Kaja made a movement as if she were going to jump on/kill the brat, but decided against it when the tiny woman assumed an expression so terrifying that everyone shifted uncomfortably in their seats, attempting not to look at her or Karo. "Hurry up and get whatever rest you weaklings need; I want to get going by morning." He turned to 'Feo again, his expression instantly changing. "Come on, you're staying in _my_ room." Karo decided, dragging 'Feo's shocked-unresponsive body through the door.

There was a moment of silence, in which no one knew quite what to say. Then…

"Hey Neji, you okay? Your eye hasn't stopped twitching since that Karo brat latched onto your girlfriend." The glare Kaja received was enough to make her scream and run behind Kakashi.

--

_Yup, we're skipping to the next morning… because we can_

"Hurry up and stop lagging behind!" Karo demanded, striding up front, still attached to 'Feo. Everyone besides Mieka (the tiny woman) was walking as far away from the odd couple as possible, all watching the brat wearily and hoping 'Feo would have enough self-control not to commit suicide before the journey was over.

Everyone sighed a breath of relief when the gates of Konoha became visible, and Karo ran on ahead (taking 'Feo with him) to meet Kankuro, who was standing outside ready to greet them. Gaara was standing beside him, not seeming fazed at the way Karo launched himself at his father… and then at him.

"…No wonder that kid's twisted." Kaja commented, receiving mumblings of agreement from the others.

Karo proudly presented 'Feo for his father's inspection, much to Neji's annoyance. "This is my fiancée!" Neji promptly fainted, awkwardly caught by Kaja, who swayed back and forth for a moment, seeming a little annoyed at having the nin practically knock her over. She managed to balance Neji's unconscious form for a moment with one arm, in order to shake her other fist in Karo's direction.

Naruto, enraged by Karo's actions, leapt forward spitting insults and yelling abuse… until the brat stalked up and kicked him in the shin. Naruto yowled in pain, while everyone else shook their heads in exasperation. However, Karo seemed to take the next flurry of foul language as some sort of insult against his 'ninja pride', since he immediately let loose with something that shocked everyone.

"Usuratonkachi! I challenge you to a sparring match!" Sasuke wobbled in the background muttering insulting things about the unpleasant child under his breath. Then, aloud, he yelled, "get him Naruto! No one calls you that but _me_!"

"But… he's just a little kid…" 'Feo cried, her expression rather tragic.

"SHUT UP 'FEO!" Everyone roared in her direction, now including Neji.

Naruto accepted the challenge with gusto, well used to fighting by now. "Alright then! But I warn you, I'm used to fighting _real_ ninjas!"

Everyone was soon assembled at one of the training areas, surrounding Naruto and Karo, who were sending glares and 'intimidating' gestures at each other. 'Feo, much to her obvious distress and confusion, was standing with the sand nins on Karo's side, with Gaara on one side of her and Kankuro on the other.

On the other side of the field, the Konoha ninjas were huddled in a group, plotting ways to rescue 'Feo from her current predicament.

"NO, I utterly refuse! Gai-sensei would be so disappointed in me!" Lee exclaimed, waving his arms as if he were trying to ward off the suggestions the others had made.

"Oh, come on! You want to help us save 'Feo, right? So go over there and do your part." It took a little 'encouragement' and pushing and shoving to force Lee into action. Eventually, however, Lee turned and stomped his way across the training field and stopped directly in front of Gaara, a slight blush on his cheeks…

"Dear god! What's he _doing_?" Neji slapped a hand across his eyes in horror, before realising that his Byakugan still allowed him to see the horrendous sight.

"I think… I think he's trying to dance…" Kaja said thoughtfully, tilting her head to the side in contemplation. Everyone else mimicked her, all trying to work out what the strange gestures and movements were supposed to be.

Over on the other side of the grounds, 'Feo was crying, Kankuro looked vaguely ill, and Gaara seemed completely unaffected. Upon seeing that the tactic he was using was working on everyone but the person he wanted, Lee decided to revert to plan B.

"What's he doing now?" Sasuke said with a sigh. Kaja squinted slightly. "…I think he's…" She stopped, and then gained a very wide grin. "Oh." She started laughing into her hands, while everyone else watched on bemusedly. Neji however, could still see what was happening and promptly fainted… again. Kaja, once again, managed to catch him and, scowling, glared at Sasuke and pointed at 'Feo, soundlessly giving her orders. Surprisingly, Sasuke obeyed without saying anything, grabbing 'Feo and dragging her directly through the middle of the training field, with no subtlety at all, and straight back to the group.

In the midst of Kaja slapping Neji and everyone welcoming 'Feo back into the fold, there were some very loud and suspicious noises coming from the bushes that Lee and Gaara had disappeared into…

Kaja shook her head at the questioning looks she was receiving. "Best not to ask."

Amidst the chaos of their audience, Naruto and Karo were ready to fight and were still glaring at each other. A sudden 'poof' announced the arrival of Genma, who removed the long toothpick from his mouth, flicked it into the air and caught it on his bottom lip, catching the attentions of the surrounding people at the same time.

"Um, why are you here?" Naruto whined, pouting at his sudden appearance. "Hey, this is my job, you know." He sighed, moving to stand between the two. He cleared his throat. "Okay, this match is between Uzumaki Naruto and Sabaku no Karo." He made a gesture and stepped back. "Begin."

Naruto waved over to his friends grinning, "this will be over in no time!" He shouted. However, Karo had taken the moment where Naruto was distracted to pull his chosen weapon from its holster and launch an attack at his unsuspecting opponent.

"Damn it! You little brat, I'll kill you!" Naruto raged while holding his now bloody nose and chasing Karo around the arena. Karo on the other hand just jumped over to his dad, "I want to go back now, this is boring! Besides I practically won already." Kankuro nodded to his son and both chose to ignore the random insults being thrown their way by the angry blonde nin, who was having to be restrained by Kakashi and Sasuke.

Karo stopped and span around suddenly, facing 'Feo, as he shouted above 'Naruto noise', "I'll see you later my love, I'll be over to visit you soon, okay? So we can be alone!" Neji wrapped his arms around 'Feo protectively, sending evil's in the little shit's direction and trying to quell 'Feo's nervous shaking.

Naruto looked as if he were about to commit mass homicide. Kakashi sighed deeply, still holding the blonde's arm. "You're awfully energetic for someone who just had his nose broken." Sasuke gave a derisive snort. "I'd be pissed off too, if I'd just been thrashed by a brat with a yoyo."

--

_Two hours and four stitches later…_

Karo had reappeared, re-assuming his place at 'Feo's side, and clinging rather obtrusively to her arm. Some distance away from them, everyone was having a 'quiet' discussion. "So… do you think we can get rid of him if we ditch 'Feo?" Tenten suggested, putting everyone into deep thought for a moment. "Probably not. 'Feo would kill me… and everyone else for good measure." Kaja responded, making the group give a mutual sigh.

"He's worse than my old fangirls." Sasuke commented dryly. "HEY!" Ino and Sakura stood up, looking indignant.

"Look, there's Orochimaru." Kaja leapt to her feet and ran in his direction, ignoring everyone else's wince of revulsion. Orochimaru was followed by Kabuto and Itachi, who glomped Sasuke as soon as he was in range.

Karo soon noticed the new arrivals and approached them, seeming to size them up. After a few moments, Kabuto became annoyed and flicked him away. Completely enraged, Karo darted in and kicked Kabuto hard in the shin. Bouncing around on one leg and making slight sounds of pain, the medical nin jumped behind Orochimaru and burst into tears. "Orochimaru!" He cried, "Rape it! Rape it now!" The snake sennin considered for a moment, and then patted Kabuto on the head lightly. "Okay."

Everyone who was watching started to cheer and applaud, except 'Feo who, yet again, leapt in front of Karo to protect him. There was a universal sound of disappointment. "You ruined my fun!" Orochimaru complained, stalking away and taking Kabuto with him.

--

_The following day… I don't have anything else to say to you_

"Thank god the little shit's going home!" Naruto commented, watching with the rest of the group as Karo, his father and aunt left through the gates of Konoha. They jeered at the small group of Chuunins leading them; glad they had all flat out refused to take them back themselves.

"…Hey, why isn't Gaara going with them?" 'Feo asked, noticing the Kazekage's absence. Kaja smirked as Kakashi replied, "he's extended his visit. He claimed he needed more time to acquaint himself with the village." He and Kaja exchanged knowing looks.

"Um… has anyone seen Lee lately?"

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**Travesty of Naruto – Chapter 04**

* * *

_A few days later, at Naruto's apartment_

"WHAT? NARUTO'S PREGNANT? …GAARA TOO?" Everyone watched Naruto fanning Sasuke, who had passed out a few minutes ago upon Naruto's announcement. Gaara was standing off to one side, Lee blushing copiously beside him.

"Well, well, well…" Kaja nudged Lee in the side, smirking as the boy's blush deepened. Kakashi dragged her away, telling her to stop tormenting him.

The door suddenly flew open, flying from its hinges and hitting the far wall as a green blur shot through the doorway and threw itself at Lee. Gaara's sand writhed at his feet, but simply lay docile when he actually realised what was happening.

Lee and Gai were sharing a 'manly' hug, tears streaming down their faces as they bantered back and forth about the miracle of youth. "You're going to be a father!" Gai declared loudly, and then paused, examining Gaara for a moment. "…Does that make him the mother?"

Before a non-sarcastic answer was spoken, someone else emerged through the torn up entrance. Iruka dashed over to Naruto, hugging him madly and cutting off the 'mother-to-be's air supply. Sasuke managed to come to at that moment, half-sitting up and pressing his face into his hands. "…What have I done?"

"You've made me an uncle!" Itachi dove in through the window, tackling Sasuke to the ground and making the boy swear copiously.

Kakashi, his visible eye turned up in amusement, spoke next. "Well, Sasuke… I was sure I'd told you all about the risks of unprotected sex. I would have thought you were smarter than this; getting your boyfriend pregnant at such an early age…" His wiped a non-existent tear from his eye.

Orochimaru, who had previously been silent, suddenly piped up. "…I want a baby too!" Kaja, looking horrified, moved away to stand beside Kakashi… Kabuto moved closer.

"Baby shower!"

--

_Outside Gai's mother's house – some crappy time of the day_

"Tell me again why we're here," Sasuke said with a raised eyebrow. Naruto, who was standing beside him, shrugged.

"It's because my kaa-san would want to meet my lovely student's new wife!" Gai declared, stopping at the door and turning to the people following him. "Now, best behaviour! We must show this wonderful woman the glory of youth!" He turned, ready to knock on the door, but froze before his fist reached the wood.

USELESS FLASHBACK: 

_Gai stood behind his three new students; his teeth making a 'ping' sound as he struck the nice guy pose. "Kaa-san, these are my-" His words were forced to a halt as a large cooking pan was thrown in his general direction, hitting him square in the face._

_END USELESS FLASHBACK_

Gai suddenly ducked, much to the confusion of those around him, but as the door flew open and a large silver pan went hurtling over his head and hit Kakashi, all was explained.

Gai led the now rather anxious looking ninjas into his mother's kitchen. A very Gai-like woman sat on a stool chopping onions on the counter, she turned to send a glare in her son's direction before turning back to her chopping and saying, "you have huge eyebrows. Pluck them now."

"Mother look, I know pregnant men!" Gai exclaimed jovially, pushing Naruto and Gaara towards her. The woman looked up again, surveying the two boys for a moment. "…Good for you son." She said tonelessly, seeming slightly annoyed that her cooking had been interrupted. Everyone else was staring at Gai's mother, looking between her and Gai and wondering what his father must look like…

Gai's mother seemed to suddenly discard her cooking at spotting 'Feo and Kaja, pouring two cups of tea, dragging both girls into the living room and onto the couch and then presenting them with books of baby photos.

The two girls sat awkwardly with Gai's mother between them, making sounds of agreement when it seemed necessary and sending 'help us' looks at the other assembled ninjas. Kakashi leant over and pointed at one of the photos. "Wow, he was even uglier when he was a baby." He commented, and then made a sound of pain as Gai's mother's ladle connected with his head. She seemed to constantly carry this weapon, so Kakashi decided against saying anything else; he hid at the back of the group, hoping she wouldn't notice him again. Every time Gai's mother looked up, everyone took a step backwards, in case she suddenly decided to hit them as well.

By the end of this strange visit, everyone was extremely glad to escape. 'Feo and Kaja were already thinking up excuses they could use for when they had to go the next time. After saying their goodbyes, everyone automatically headed in the direction of the bar, desperately craving as much alcohol as they could consume.

Lee suddenly piped up, quite happily, with; "Isn't Gai-baasan wonderful?"

--

_Four days later… because we haven't had it before_

_Note: For our own purposes we have decided that a demon pregnancy lasts around two weeks… brilliant isn't it?_

"Saaasukeee!" Naruto whinged, batting his eyelashes at his onyx-eyed Uchiha. "No, Naruto, no. I'm not sitting here watching you eat a rat again."

"Sasuke-teme! It's your fault I'm like this! It's your fault I'm all fat and having these weird cravings in the first place!" Naruto shook his fist, but Sasuke simply made a dismissive sound and continued to read. 'Feo prodded Sasuke, making a face. "Well, at least it's not as bad as Gaara's cravings!" Kaja sighed. "Poor Lee…"

"Yeah, anyway look at the bright side; at least you only have about a week left." Sakura pointed out, handing Naruto a cup ramen. As she pulled back she turned and looked at Sasuke's waist, scowling at the older Uchiha who had latched himself there and failed to release his brother since he had reappeared that morning. No amount of tugging and insults had managed to make him let go; Sasuke had looked a little odd walking through Konoha with an S class criminal cemented to his hip like an anxious toddler.

Suddenly, Itachi relinquished his grip on his brother and cleared his throat. "I… need to go to the bathroom." He paused. "Stay there while I go." Itachi ordered, before dashing off down the hall, almost tripping several times before the teens heard the door slam.

Naruto waited for a moment, and then turned to tug on Sasuke's arm. "Alright, before he comes back; quick, let's leg it!"

As the five teens attempted to escape, Sasuke noticed Naruto lagging behind a little and swiftly doubled back, sweeping him up into his arms. "Teme, put me down!" The Uchiha snorted derisively. "You're slowing us down, deal with it."

--

_In a suitable hiding place… namely the Ichiraku ramen stand_

"…Usuratonkachi; this isn't sly at all." Sasuke, wearing a slight frown, pointed out. Naruto, who was currently stuffing his face, made an indiscernible noise that sounded like derision. The assembled nins, in a group that probably couldn't have been inconspicuous if they tried, were lingering around the ramen stand in small groups; all eyes were flickering to the other side of the street where, in a sushi bar, Lee was telling Gaara something that probably could have been worded better…

"I want to make an honest woman out of you! To do this I would like to legitimately marry you before the arrival of our miracle child!"

Gaara looked like he wanted to commit mass homicide… again.

"I'm not a woman, baka." Gaara's eye twitched when Lee threw his arm around the red head's shoulders, suddenly looking rather apologetic. "I'm sorry, my love! You're upset because I did not do this in the proper manner!" Gaara, who by this point seemed to want to kill something, watched in irritated bemusement as Lee dropped to one knee in front of him, in a public place where hundreds of people were already peering in at them, and began some lengthy and somewhat solemn marriage vows.

After fifteen minutes, when the majority of people were falling asleep, all heads snapped up at the sound of the words "will you marry me?"

"…No."

Lee, who was utterly crestfallen, hung his head in shame, still clutching a lotus flower with a ring resting in its petals in his hand. As Gaara looked around, it slowly dawned on him that everyone was looking in his direction with insistent glares. Feeling the mass killer intent directed at him, he gave a small defeated sigh, turning back to his 'mate' and crossing his arms over his chest.

"Fine." Lee's head jerked up quickly, and found Gaara and himself surrounded by all their friends, all smiling innocently. Lee blinked at Gaara for a few seconds, before bursting into a fit of manly tears and hugging the red head to crushing point.

"We must make arrangements at once! I wonder if Gai-sensei will be my best man?"

As Lee and Gaara disappeared into the distance, Naruto, who had finally finished eating, soon piped up with, "Sasuke-bastard why are you never romantic? You better marry me too or I'll beat your ass!" Sasuke raised a pointed eyebrow to Naruto's swelling stomach only to receive a hit over the head from Kaja.

"Well if he doesn't, then I will." Sasuke seemed to consider this for a moment before turning away from Kaja and back to Naruto. Rolling his eyes, he muttered sarcastically, "Naru-chan, will you do me the honour of giving me your hand in marriage?"

Naruto, who seemed to have somehow missed the mocking tone in Sasuke's voice, looked up to his lover with tear brimming eyes and proceeded to launch himself at the dark-haired male. 'Feo and Kaja watched with amusement as an exasperated Uchiha half-dragged Naruto away.

"I hope there aren't too many homicides during these weddings…"

--

_The Big Day_

"Okay. We still have a bit of an argument going on in the other room." The sounds of struggle, various objects being blown up and ripped, and the echo of various insults from behind the closed door reinforced Kaja's point. "We still have to decide who wears the dress out of those two." She stabbed a finger at the struggling boys who were emerging from the room. "Okay, who wants to see Sasuke in a dress?"

Every hand except Sasuke's rose.

Later that day…

"Crap! Has anyone seen Sasuke?" 'Feo came running out of the changing room in a panic. Kaja nodded and gestured vaguely; "I saw him climbing out of the window about a half hour ago."

"Then why didn't you stop him?" 'Feo shrieked, gesticulating wildly. Kaja grinned, leaning casually back against the wood of the pew she was reclining on. "Because I like seeing you panicking like this."

"Ahhhhh!" 'Feo dashed from the room, waving her arms around and making traumatic sounds. Kaja sighed, deciding to take some pity on her. "Neji, go help her before her head explodes." Said brunette, used to taking orders from the girls by now, nodded and ran after 'Feo.

By the time 'Feo and Neji had manhandled Sasuke back into the hall, Kaja had fallen asleep on the bench; some of the nins were grouped around her, using marker pens to draw on her face. Upon the reappearance of groom #2 however, she woke and sat up, now sporting a monocle and a French moustache.

_Fast forward_

"Dammit Sasuke! Why do you have to have hair that's as stubborn as razor wire?" 'Feo complained, attempting to pull a brush through the black locks. "I can't stop it from returning to duck-butt style!" The younger Uchiha scowled, folding his arms grumpily as his eyes strayed wearily to the mirror. "I can't believe I'm letting you do this to me…" He grumbled, readjusting his corset for the fifth time. "Stop doing that! Your cleavage will fall out!" 'Feo admonished, waving the brush at him.

Neji, who was standing in one corner with his back to them, had to press a hand to his face to keep from laughing.

_Meanwhile, in the other changing room…_

"Gaara…! Make your sand stop!" Kaja shrieked, backing up against the wall, eye shadow in one hand and lipstick in the other.

"Not until you put that stuff down. I'm not a girl." He reminded her, arms folded in a similar manner to Sasuke; obviously neither bride wanted to be wearing the dresses the girls had picked out for them. "You're wearing a dress." Kaja pointed out, narrowly evading another attack from Gaara's sand.

"God, I bet 'Feo's not having this much trouble!" Kaja complained; diving out of the way, yet again. "Make-up no Jutsu!" Kakashi stepping into the 'ring', and Kaja stared at the silver haired Jounin in surprise. "…How did you learn that?" Kakashi cleared his throat, looking off to one side innocently as Gaara sent him a death glare.

"Uh, nowhere…" The Jounin cleared his throat again in an attempt to avoid the question, but Kaja narrowed her eyes. "Don't play coy with me; I saw you trying on Gaara's dress earlier."

--

When the time actually came, it took three nins to drag Sasuke from the changing room and he almost turned tail again when he saw who had been chosen as his 'father of the bride'. Itachi, for one, seemed quite enthusiastic.

"Itachi." A pause. "Itachi let go." Both Sasuke and Naruto had to tear at the older Uchiha's hands to try and pry him away from the wife-to-be. "But… but I don't want to! Sasuke's mine! I don't want to give him to Naru-bum!"

Itachi was forcefully removed from the hall.

By the time the marriage vows were being recited, Sakura and many of the other Sasuke fangirls were in tears. Naruto on the other hand, seemed quite chirpy. "Now you're Uzumaki Sasuke!" It was probably lucky for Naruto that he healed quickly.

Gaara, after much prodding and persuasion, was finally forced into saying 'yes', much to the devastatingly manly teary states of both Lee and Gai.

To everyone's mutual shock and horror, Kankuro's assigned role as 'father of the bride' meant the reappearance of his son…

"We can get married _now_!" Karo informed 'Feo, wrapping his arms around her waist and forcing Neji and Kaja move off into the corner to plot a hasty assassination.

TBC


End file.
